THE BOOK OF JOBBING
translated from the original Sumerian by
Steven Hashimoto
(© 1999 Steven Hashimoto; used with
permission)
And so it came to pass, during one date, that the Sidemen were assailed by Doubts, and Darkness descended upon the Bandstand.
And the Leader turned to his quaking flock, and saith,
"My children, why do you doubt me?
"Have I not led you through the Valley of the Loading Dock to the
Great Land of Long Breaks,
Hot Meals, and Undertime?
"Have I not banished the dreaded 'Macarena' from the Set List, and
allowed thee to Blow on
selected numbers?
"Do we not play the Correct Changes for the Bridge of 'Girl From
Ipanema', and do we not play Motown selections at the Proper Tempos?
"And do I not pay you all equitably, neither overpaying the Chick
Singers nor underpaying the Horn Players?
"And are there not Charts for the Horns, so that thou need not Fake
Parts?
"So why doth thou protest when I call The Willie Nelson Song, or The
Jackson 5 Ballad? Are they not preferable to 'Achey Breaky Heart' or
anything by Celine Dion?
"Wouldst thou rather suffer Flung Beverage Containers or Scowls and
Hectoring by the Aunts and Uncles?"
And the Sidemen answered him,
"But Father, we look out into the Dance Floor, and we see The Maelstrom;
"We fear the Youngsters with Pierced Body Parts, as well as the
Ancient Ones withCanes and Walkers;
"Also do we fear the Bridesmaids with the Large Hair, and the
Groomsmen with Cigars and Dishevelled Tuxedos;
"Also do we fear the Relatives from the Great Southwest, as well as
those from California,
and from New York;
"Also do we regard with Fear and Loathing the Party Planner, and the
Room Captain;
"But mostly do we fear the Bride, and Her Mother, who ruleth the Earth, yea, even above you, our Leader."
And the Leader looked and saw that this was true.
And he took his Book, and he flung it into the Buffet Heaters;
And he took his Bandstand, and he broke it over his knee;
And he took his Red Bow Tie, and he rent it asunder;
And he turned to the Party Planner, and he said, "Now you have no
power over me, Minion of Evil";
And he turned to the Room Captain, and he said, "I will leave by the
Lobby Entrance";
And he turned to the Bride, and said, "Take thy Whitney Houston CD and
place it where thy Groom may find it during your Honeymoon;"
And he turned to the Bride's Mother and said, "Thy Daughter is a
Spoiled Brat, and I hope that she soon Divorces her Callow Husband and
returneth to live with thee with her three children for the rest of
thy Natural Life;"
And he turned to the drummer and said, "The band is yours."
And he went home and slept deeply and soundly, and arose the next day
smiling,
And began Making Calls to find work as a Sideman.
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