NEWLY DISCOVERED FRAGMENT FROM THE BOOK OF JOBBING
translated from the original Sumerian by Steven Hashimoto
(© 1999 Steven Hashimoto; used with permission)
...And so it came to pass that as the 10th hour of the Day after
Sabbath approached, the Leader did look upon his Children and say,
"It is time to rest."
And the Sidemen did rejoice, and repaired to the Room of Hiding.
Then did appear the Party Planner, saying unto them, "I have news
both good and bad."
And the Sidemen did reply, "Tell us first of the Good News."
And she replied, "There are dinners, and they are Chicken."
And the Sidemen did rejoice, and smacked their lips.
But the Bass Player, being of a suspicious nature, did narrow his
eyes and ask,
"And what of the Bad News?"
And the Party Planner, looking towards the floor, did say, "But there
are not enough Meals, for you must share them with the Photographers
and the Video Guy."
"Furthermore, thou must eat your meals in 10 minutes."
"And furthermore, there are no Utensils available to those of lowly
caste, and so thou must eat with thy Hands."
Whereupon a great lamentation arose from the Sidemen, reaching unto the very depths of the Temple. And the Leader heard, and came running.
"My Children, why dost thou raise thy voices, so that even above the
DJ you are heard?"
And the Bass Player did drop a dime on the Party Planner, saying,
"The
Jezebel doth tease and mock us, even as does one to a mule with a
carrot!"
And a great Fury rose up in the Leader, as he was, as these things
go, a Righteous Man.
And he turned to the Party Planner and swore great oaths, and saith,
"Thou thinkest to save a nickel here and a dime there, at the risk of
our Relationship?
Doth thou have Shit for Brains?
Shall I go unto the
Father and tell him that his son David's Mitzvah will be
interrupted while we send for Pizza?"
And the Sidemen did cheer, as did the Photographers and the Video Guy.
And so the Party Planner did stammer and shuffle her feet, and summon
her Flunkies, and many more meals were discovered, as well as Forks
and Knives,
and even Napkins.
And there was Fish as well as Fowl,
And even Vegetables and Fruits.
And thus was David's Bar Mitzvah saved, and the Leader kept the respect and love of his Children, for at least another week.
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